Brutal Simplicity.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." 
- Martin Luther King Jr

These few weeks were tough for me. I cannot quite explain what specifically happened and why but it has been quite tough to keep up my positive attitude towards everything. Don't get me wrong, everything is still fine, but it just has been so emotionally hard for me to zone out and relax a little bit. I had headaches, muscle pains, I've been grumpy and just not having fun doing my everyday things that I like. Reading used to relax me a lot and even get me to fall asleep, last few weeks I kept tossing and turning while reading and you can hardly call it relaxing. Favourite programs on TV don't seem to catch my interest anymore, I just drift away in my thoughts. Even now being at home all afternoon, having a bath and watching good three episodes of "Desperate Housewives" (don't judge me) didn't loosen the tension in my body. I need some heavy artillery to beat this.

Still keeping on track.
No matter how miserable I might feel I still try to keep up with the Happy Theories I had listed before. Yes it still works and I think I am just a little bit more tired as usual which is why it is so hard for me to just reboot my body and mind. Concentration is not a thing I am good at lately.
I cannot get enough of my flowers that I brought home two days ago. Yellow and white tulips are giving the feeling of spring and sunny days right in my living room and I smile every time I look at them. So note to self - flowers are a great mood boosters.

Every little change is for good.
I actually managed to go shopping and buy something that wouldn't normally blend in with my wardrobe. Why? Well, because it felt like I need a bit of brightness and freshness. I still do like my black clothes and that will probably never change, but it definitely was a good chance to see what I can do with colours and pastels and in my opinion it turned out pretty well. Just need to wait for sunny days off so I can actually wear my new outfits and feel on top of the world. Yes, I guess us girls always have shopping as the last remedy for any blues we get, but as long as there is this remedy, everything is going to be just fine.

Music, peace and tranquillity.
I have not been feeling well, could barely eat anything and when I did it didn't feel right, so I have this idea that I need a bit more healthy habits in my life. In the last two days I only had two cigarettes, and the funny part about this is that I am actually not even craving them. The cough I have doesn't sound too good and my chest feels heavy, so this might be the best time to stop smoking. Again. I am not saying I am not going to start again, but this would save quite a bit of money and hopefully restore my health to an acceptable level. It is interesting how I am writing this and I am actually thinking that I would not mind a cigarette right now. Silly mind, trying to trick me into going out for one even though my lungs say "please don't". So we will see where this gets me to, but for now I need to concentrate on good things.
Music has always eased my worries, and no matter what I was worried about or what was happening at the time, I always managed to find the right music for it to go away. Not this time. This time it makes me even more tired and all I want is peace and quiet. I wonder if that is what being old feels like. I am sure I'll get over it and get back to my normal self, but I am seriously tired of myself being this girl with drained batteries and just cannot relax and let go whatever bothers her. It got to the point where I was actually thinking of taking calming/sleeping pills just to force myself to relax a bit. But I did always think of it as the last resort, and I don't think I am at that stage, although might be really close.

The fact that I don't really get to spend quality time with my man doesn't help as well. I miss our walks, road trips, long conversations about everything in the world. But I also understand that we both got jobs to do and it was a tough time for both of us at work. It is just my insecurities talking, making me feel scared and stressed and wanting to crawl up in a ball and shut out the whole world. It isn't that he doesn't want to, I know he does. (I hope he does.) But the bills need to get paid and personal growth as a professional needs to continue for him. And I will stand by his side no matter which steps he decides to take, because I know he would have done the same thing for me. Maybe I should look at this as me having time to "fix" myself, to stop being so depressed  and tired and actually do something with my life while he is busy building a career, and welcome him home every day with a smile and a heart full of love. What else a woman needs, right?

I wanted to start a journal. I even tried to do it once, but I had to tear out the pages and forget about the idea of it because everything I wrote felt... tired. It really seemed to be dark and gloomy and that was definitely not the way I wanted to go with it. Probably that is why I have started this little online blog. It feels easier to type away the thoughts when it feels like there is a lot to say and just close the web browser when I am done. Odd, but a very pleasant feeling.

Maybe I should start a hobby. Yes, over the tiredness and over the constant "don't have time for it" just go ahead and start doing something useless but yet good for body and mind. I bet I am absolutely rusty on painting or drawing, surely will feel like an alien doing that again, but it might turn out really good for my relaxation. Or not, Maybe adding some relaxing music to it will do the trick just fine. I always wondered if yoga actually worked as everyone says it should. Apparently it should relax the body and soul, which is so well needed, not going to lie about that, but I always felt like it is a waste of time. What if it isn't? So there is one more thing to consider.

But for now, I will continue watching a few more episodes of silly girly tv series, drinking lots of water and hoping that the love of my life comes back from work a bit earlier so I can have a bit longer to hold him in my arms before I fall asleep. Peacefully. Because he brings peace to my mind.