Dance To All The Wrong Songs.

“Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together”
Elizabeth Taylor

Every day each and every one of us fights their own battles that most of the people around us are completely oblivious about. We down our sorrows in mundane life around us and keep on fantasising about how life would have been if we were *insert appropriate word here*. What do you think you need the most? Strength? Money? Beauty? Health? 

I can sit here all day and list you things that complete my humble "I wish I was" list - I wish I was healthier, these allergies have been torturing me quite severely recently and I feel constantly tired. I wish I was more confident, I never make a decision without this agonising doubt in my mind that I have made a wrong solution. I wish, I wish, I wish...

Recently I realised that following your dreams is hard work. I am being completely honest tight now, it is sometimes scary as hell and it is definitely not for everyone. (Sorry, people inhabiting the Planet Earth, for breaking the news to you.) The truth is though - you will never know if you are the one of the lucky ones who will find the light inside of you and do all they possibly ca to burn that into a fire so bright you forget there was another way to life, unless you just wake up one day and since that very minute work towards wherever you want to be.  It is not an easy task you know. You should not give yourself days off from this. That means that you will spend all your time and invest your full attention into your dreams, whatever they may be, risking everything, and see if it was worth it in the end.

I am 25. A quarter of a century old, and although I am quite content with my life at this very moment the universe keeps throwing ideas at me that there is room for improvement. And as any twenty-something year old I accept the challenges - I start routines, I make plans on self-development, I try learning and reminding myself that there is no limit to perfection and there is so much more I can be than who I am now. Slowly creeping up to thirty and although it is a still acceptably young age, in my head I MUST know whats happening with my life by that time. I MUST have things figured out. Why thirty you ask me? Oh no reason. This is just what my brain is telling me that needs to happen and I obey these thoughts and hurt myself every time I look back on a month and think "What exactly have I achieved in this month?".

I have reaches a few points on my self-development plan:

• I have taught myself how to maintain sanity in situations when I used to loose patience and refuse to hear anything around me;
• I embraced the fact that people like to talk. A lot. And there is very little things now that I actually worry about when people say something to me or about me;
• I know how to win with respect and I know how to lose with grace. I am not going to win all my battles and I am OK with it;
• I learned to keep my mouth shut where appropriate, no one wants unwanted advice;
• I learned not to overshare with people - learned it the bad way as well. Now if I do say something I never wanted to share with anyone I feel guilty. I feel like I have betrayed myself for not keeping my own secrets;

And there are quite a few more things on my list, but this post is about what I haven't achieved just yet but I am on my way towards it.

I have put myself on a budget this month due to several birthdays and events surrounding this and next month therefore the things I will be talking next are not on my bookshelf... Yet. I had to go find inspiration, and plan for the future. So dear boyfriend, I hope you are reading this because I am about to make your birthday/Christmas shopping so easy. 

As I got older I started to care more. This is in no way a bad thing to develop as a personal trade but it hurts my development scheme. I care of how my actions might affect someone else, how what I do or don't do will affect the lives of other people. |" Of course I will pick up a all day shift for you to go see your family" - I say to my colleagues. "Of course I will finish that report for you so you an go home and relax." But what about you, Karina? What about your time and that thing you had planned? It is OK, I can re-schedule. This needs to stop, better sooner than later. Needs to be all about your life first and then all the rest. The answer:

"The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k" by Sarah knight. Been craving to read this. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to turn into a bitchy woman who doesn't give two damns about anything and anyone, this is just a mild seasoning to my "I care too much" issue. This book teaches how to concentrate on YOU. How to dance to the songs you like, and not whatever someone else was playing for you.

Next struggle I had throughout the years has turned around a little bit in the last few years. I used to struggle to keep friends, and I know that was my own little issue - I used to pushed all of them away, rolled my eyes when they needed my help or advice and generally was a very angry person. But hey, true friends stay friends through the years, miles and time zones. Since then I have mastered the control of my negativity bu I can't say that I m brilliant at making friends. I am very picky of who I want to talk to. And I do put a lot of work into being friendly but this little gem is what I need at this very moment for my "People 101" class:

"How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Now this. I have heard a lot about this masterpiece but never heard enough to know if it is worth investing time in. The idea of being absolutely fluent in "peoples mentality" makes me want to read it right here and right now. Maybe soon I can tell you if it works or not, but I am sure as hell am intrigued.

Appearance is everything for us females. You will have women who will say - bull shit, I don't care for my makeup - and it may be so, but when they try to use it just a little I bet you they notice that more people admire their good looks. And don't tell me you don't like compliments on your hair or dress. I am more than aware that women are more than just a pretty thing dressed in pink, thank you very much, so no need to scream feminism at me. I am all up for self development ( hence this very post right here) but who said that looking good every day is not something we need to be working on. Yes of course you can go a day without makeup, and wear comfy clothes at home - but there is a limit to it. Why wouldn't you want to look presentable all the time? Mystery for my brain that one is, I tell you. But worry not because I have found some study material for myself to find some answers:

"Pretty Honest" by Sali Hughes. Reviews say that it is all about "advice and expertise to show real women how to make the most of makeup’s physically and emotionally transformative powers" which I say - sold! I think someone I know was reading this a few years back but it slipped my mind and I could not remember the name of the author a year later when I wanted to get my hands on this book. Now it is definitely on my "To Read" list.

Lets finish this post on this motivated note. I want to think that I will find a way to be where I want to be in 5 years, even though my goals are not laid out in a very clear path, but at least I know I am working on being I would be proud to be.